Be a Dungeon Master long enough, and no matter how stable your roster of gamers is, you'll eventually have to deal with new people entering your group, whether it's by them asking if they can join, an established group member asking if their friend can join, or you yourself asking someone to fill a vacancy.
Maybe it's a co-worker, or someone you attend school or church with. Maybe it's someone you met at a gaming con, or on an online gaming forum. But somehow, somewhere, you'll be faced with the prospect of bringing in a stranger into your group.
This can be a scary and daunting prospect, because, until you actually witness them playing your game, you aren't 100% positive that they'll be a good fit. Even gaming with them for a few rounds at a con isn't always a good indicator, because there's a big difference between tolerating someone's weirdness/idiosyncracies once or twice a year, and tolerating it every week (or every other week, or every month, or whatever your group's meeting frequency is). Sometimes those things that set you off aren't even noticeable when you only game with someone a few times a year.
A lot of time, it works out. Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't. What do you do then? Problem is, there is no easy solution, no easy way to tell someone to go away. How do you tell someone that their gaming style doesn't mesh with the group's? Or that perhaps their personality is far too abrasive? Or that they're too aggressive, or are way too loud? Or that they need to use soap? Yeah, that'll work....risk hurting someone's real-life feelings over a made-up game.
People are funny creatures. They can seem normal when you first meet them, then, when you get to know them, you're almost ready to run away screaming, having failed your SAN check over and over. It's almost like dating. Yeah, you meet someone who on first impression seems kinda nice, then after a few dates you realize that you're hanging out with a Schizophrenic Militant Vegan/Moonie who's also a card-carrying member of a Kali Death Cult and part-time carrion eater. I mean, who knew?
As you can probably tell, I've had some experience in this area. Over the last few decades, I've dealt with:
- Guys who'd take off their footgear and put sweaty feet on our coffee table
- Guys who'd dump snack food on our rug and eat off it.
- Someone who, in the first half hour of entering our apartment, insulted my faith and flirted with my daughter
- Newcomers who were already gamers, and who'd interrupt the game flow by talking about other systems and how cool those systems were.
- Someone leaving permanent armpit stains on the cushions of our cream-colored furniture
- Female gamers who don't wear underwear...but DO wear a skirt.
I met this guy at work, years ago, a fellow Computer Operator on the late shift. His name was John (good start there), and it turned out he was a gamer. I invited him to our apartment for some AD&D.
He shows up IN COSTUME, with an actual longbow in hand. He insisted on playing a recurring character of his, a dwarf named Robert, who seemed to be a cross between a skinhead and one of those creepy guys who lives alone in the woods and fires his guns at people from the "gub'mint".
Then, at some point, he began speaking in a high-pitched voice that he said was his "Leprechaun voice".
Whooooaaaaaaakaaayyyy.....
He didn't last long.
Nor did the ex-junkie who talked non-stop during game sessions, particularly obssessing about the Warhammer RPG, with the main selling point (in her opinion) being that you could play a rat-catcher.
For the record, I didn't bring her in...that was a FOAF (Friend of a friend).
They say that doctors make the worst patients, lawyers make the worst clients, cooks make the worst restaurant customers, and, may I add, DMs make the worst players. OK, that's a sweeping generalization, and I can think of a number of exceptions to that rule right off the bat, but in general, every DM has "their" way of doing things, and many can't help but to butt in on the actual DM's scene for whatever reason.
Personally, that's one of the big reasons I prefer DMing, not playing. Because I can't trust myself to keep my big mouth shut when I see a glaring plot hole, a ludicrous plot device, or a blatantly awful rules interpretation.
Now, where was I? Oh yes....new players who suck, and how to get rid of them. Well, like I said before, there's no easy answer. Despite their oddities, we're talking about human beings here, and they have feelings, even the ones who insist that they're actually part cyborg and can claim to have a ferret somewhere in their family tree.
And when you have a new player in your group, they've already sort of staked a claim to being there, haven't they? I mean, once you bring someone in, it becomes awfully difficult to un-invite them. Again with the dating metaphor, it's like, well, breaking up with someone. But in this case, instead of being able to say "It's not you, it's me", you're saying "No, it really really IS you. You're awful."
Oh sure, you can grin and bear it...Lord knows that's what I usually do, since, for all my blood thunder and bluster, I'm really a softie who doesn't like to disappoint people. But what happens when your other gamers, you know, the established ones, the ones who've faithfully supported your campaign for years, say "Wow, this person sucks. You really need to get rid of them."?
It's not too bad if the new person was brought in by an established member of your group. You can pass the buck to them, and have them pull the trigger. But when it's YOU who did the recruiting, man, you are hosed. Pleas to other gamers for tolerance work sometimes, but not all the time. Even some who decide to tolerate the crazed, obnoxious newcomer may eventually have enough and quietly slip away from the group, opting for a quieter way to spend a Saturday. The more outspoken ones might come right out and say "I won't be there if so-and-so is there!"
Although you can plead for tolerance from your veteran gamers, there is one very good point that I've heard made. People game to relax, to forget the stresses of everyday life, and to get together with friends and fellow gaming enthusiasts for a fun, friendly time, not to get stressed out and have their teeth on edge because there's some smelly wackjob who's hogging all the snacks and who only takes enough time out of his constant tirades about how much he hates TSR, to backstab someone's character and take their stuff. That's when you concede that your established gamers just may have a point!
Have I ever flat-out told someone they weren't welcome? Yes. Yes I have. Fortunately, I'm from the school of "You can tell someone just about anything as long as you phrase it correctly". In such cases, what I do is to emphasize that the complaints are not about the player as a human being, but that their playing style simply doesn't mesh with the tone of the group. It's still awkward, and it's not always well received, but it's better than nothing, and a lot of times it does in fact work.
Have I ever booted someone out of the game outright? You bet. Complete with declarations such as "You're banned", "You're not welcome," and the ever popular "And don't come back!". But in those rare cases, the level of assclownishness is so high, so toxic, that it more often than not has actually gone beyond the game and is an actual "real-life" problem.
So. What have we learned today?
1. Be careful who you invite into your group
2. Don't spring weird people on your loyal gamers
3. Try your best to get a good grip on the mannerisms and playing styles of a potential invite
4. If you're sending someone away, do your best to not make it a judgement of the person as a whole, but rather simply their approach to a particular social activity (e.g. gaming).
NEXT TIME: How to get out those stubborn potato chip grease and armpit sweat stains from your furniture. 
