First of all, thanks to everyone who gave my first blog entry such high praise. When you write something and send it off to print or to the ether, you wonder how it'll be received. I'm gratified that people found it entertaining! Thanks again for the props!
So, I see that it's April Fools Day and, in special honor of the day (which is rapidly coming to a close as of this writing), permit me to post some of the most foolish moments I've had the dubious pleasure to endure as a DM.
Enjoy these tales from the far off, exotic, kingdom of DoubleYewTeeEff-istan.
1. Forget-Me-Nuts! Back in the days of AD&D and 2nd Ed AD&D, I had this player named Don, who went by the nickname Donzo. A better nickname would've been Gonzo, since this guy was a nutjob. In his constant attempts to create a unique, unforgettable character, he'd come up with some truly horrendous ones.
One such pathetic attempt was a Ranger who had amnesia. He didn't know his name, didn't know his background, his family, or how he came to have amnesia. OK, that in and of itself isn't too bad; I could work with that. Could make for a nice backstory, perhaps a subplot to be resolved. Unfortunately, the party wasn't aware of the full extent of the amnesia until play actually began. The introductory exchange went something like this:
PLAYER 1: What's your name?
DONZO: I don't know. I have amnesia.
PLAYER 2: Where do you come from?
DONZO: Not sure. I can't remember. I have amnesia.
PLAYER 3: Hmm. OK. So what kind of weapons are you proficient in?
DONZO: I've forgotten my weapon proficiencies. I have amnesia.
PLAYER 4: WHAT!?!? Well.....what about your non-weapon proficiences?
DONZO: Forgot 'em. Amnesia.
PLAYER 5: Your alignment?
DONZO: Nope. Can't remember a thing.
PLAYER 6: Well, how did you get amnesia in the first place?
DONZO: I forgot.
PLAYER 1: Don, this character is totally useless!!!!!!
2. Huh? Another of Donzo's attempts at uniqueness was also his attempt at playing a woman. In his own words: "Imagine Grace Jones, but bald and scarred, with a wooden foot." So, in essence, here was Donzo trying to play a 7' tall, bald, scarred black woman with a wooden foot and a 6 Charisma. No one liked the character, and his clumsy attempts at making passes at the other guys annoyed and creeped them out.
3. That's Not Kosher! Yup...Donzo again. For reasons that involve lengthy in-game exposition, I'll skip past my old campaign's background but tell you that people's characters could be of the Christian, Jewish, or Moslem faiths. Yea, it worked, but like I said, too long a story. Anyways, Donzo decides he wants to play a Jewish paladin. Well, it was bad enough that he began talking in the worst Yiddish accent imaginable and that he was jonesing for a bagel, but he eventually brought up the whole "Can't work on a Sabbath", which means he couldn't fight or travel on the Sabbath. This became a problem when the group was in a dungeon, and began fighting their way to the surface, only to realize that they've lost track of time. With a horde of ogres on their tail, the group desperately engaged in a running battle, in a full-on retreat. They're trying to get out of the dungeon, the ogres are pursuing. The encounter went something like this:
ME (the DM): OK so you open the portal, and it leads to the outside! You must have lost track of time, because it's sundown.
PLAYER 1: Tell the time later! We need to get everyone through this door and jam it shut, or we're gonna get overrun!
DONZO: JT, what day is it?
ME: Well, it's Friday night now, or the fantasy equivalent thereof.
DONZO: Whoops. Sabbath's begun. OK, I sheathe my sword.
EVERYONE: WHAAAAT!?!?!?!?
PLAYER 2: Donzo, for God's sake, you're our paladin! These ogres are kicking our asses! We're trying to get out of this dungeon!
DONZO: But it's the Sabbath! If I fight, I break my laws and lose Paladinhood.
PLAYER 3: Donzo, come on! You're defeating evil if you fight! I think your God will be happy with that.
DONZO: Nope. The law's clear. No work on the Sabbath.
PLAYER 4: Don, you suck.
4. Elmer Fudd Would Spin In His Grave, If He Were Dead. Let's leave Donzo alone for a while. This guy named Rich had a figher named Yu Hengue. One day, between adventures, the party was gathered at the castle of some NPC allies. Yu Hengue decided that he wanted to go hunting in the nearby forest. Deer hunting, to be exact.
So, there he is out there, dressed in splint armor, wandering through the forest, looking for deer. Except, he didn't have a bow. When I inquired as to how he intended to hunt, he said he'd use his longsword.
A longsword. Here's a man in noisy metal armor, running through a forest with the intent of huntin deer, and he's swinging a longsword. Random encounter ensues. A gang of ogres. I was feeling kind of charitable, so the ogres took one look at this doofus, had a good laugh, then beat him to within an inch of his life.
So there's Yu Hengue, lying on the ground, barely able to crawl, and he decides to call for help. He begins screaming "Heeeelp!" at the top of his lungs. The party doesn't hear him. The ankheg burrowing under him heard him, however (yup...the noise generating a wandering encounter, which yielded the ankheg). The ankheg burrows upwards, breaks through the ground grabs him in its jaws, and pulls him into the earth.
Believe it or not, the party eventually managed to track him, find his remains, and Resurrect him. But the whole encounter was just so ludicrous, that "Deer hunting with a longsword" became our buzz phrase for someone using the stupidest tool imaginable in order to attempt a task.
There are certainly more tales, but somehow, these are the ones that figure most prominently whenever talk turns to Stupid PC Tricks.
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