02
Sep/2008
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Curmudgeonly Ramblings: Tales From the WTF Files
Greetings, Bombers! This morning's offering is a new series I'm trying out: Tales from the WTF Files! These "tales" would consist of "war stories", explaining certain situations where you can only sit back and wonder "What the $%^#% was John thinking?". Call it "Tales of DM Insanity" if you will; things that just...well....make you want to shake your head. Every once in a while, though, I'll expand it and throw in tales of past players doing WTF stuff. But for the most part, this'll be DM-related atrocities. And so, without much further ado, I bring you the first tales from the WTF Files:
Kurok- The Slug Who Talked Like A Man!!!!!
So one night about ten years ago, I was watching the original Star Trek (aka "Star Trek: TOS") for what must've been the umpteenth and fifth time. This particular episode was called "The Paradise Syndrome". Trek-Bombers know this one. This is the "Captain Kirk beams down to a planet populated by American Indians while the Enterprise gets hurled far, far away and will take weeks to get back. Meanwhile, Kirk, who's lost his memory, is adopted by the tribe as the new medicine man, calling himself "Kurok". Naturally, the chief has a hot daughter, and naturally Kirk ends up doing what Kirk usually does to alien women, and before you know it, they're married, she expecting their child, and life's good. Then of course, since the show's called "Star Trek" and not "Hot Native American Nookie", everything turns to crap, and a restored, rescued Kirk eventually ends up back on the Enterprise. Roll credits.
Anyways, during the climactic scene, the tribe begins stoning Kirk and his bride, because Kirk (or Kurok, to keep things accurate) can't do the mojo to save the tribe. At one point, William Shatner goes into "Overacting Hyperdrive Super Happy Fun Shouting Mode" and yells out "I am Kurok!!!!"
Right then and there, I decided "I want an excuse to yell out 'I am Kurok!' in my D&D game!"
But how? Lord knows, I didn't want to teleport William Shatner into the Forgotten Realms! But how, oh how, was I going to yell out "I am Kurok!"???
That's when the most sacred two words in the DM Toolbox come out... "What If?"
WHAT IF:
A giant slug wiped out a party of adventurers, using its acid spittle?
WHAT IF:
The slug devoured the undissolved remains of the adventurers, including their gear?
WHAT IF:
A piece of that gear was an unused potion or other such item, that boosted intelligence?
WHAT IF:
The giant slug gained sufficient intelligence to become self-aware?
WHAT IF:
The slug's newfound intelligence helped it grow the slug-equivalent of vocal cords?
WHAT IF:
This newly intelligent, talking slug, decided to call itself "Kurok the Conqueror", and spent its days coming up with plans to conquer the Realms? (cue "Pinky and the Brain" music here)
So yes, the party eventually found this large subterranean cavern and encountered this giant slug with a battered crown on its head, proclaiming itself "Kurok the Conqueror". The "SAY WHAT!!?!?" looks on some of the players' faces were priceless; I wish I had a camera.
And the thing is, Kurok was a buffoon. He was about as intelligent as your average junior high school student; he just happened to be a colossal slug who could spit acid at you. He was one of those "ridiculous, yet still somewhat dangerous" foes.
Naturally, the PCs made short work of him. As he was dying, he defiantly bellowed out:
"I AM KUROK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was one happy guy, let me tell you. Sure, my players shook their heads, and the Trek-aware players added an eye-roll to the head shakes, but it was worth it. Worth it, I tell you!
Tags: WTF DM Slug Insane Drugs Kurok
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